California Needs to Catch the Same-Sex Marriage Bouquet

I am a person who cares deeply about equality for all, regardless of color, ethnicity, sex, age, sexual orientation, nationality, religious beliefs, etc. Though I'm sure I have prejudices-- I feel as though the only thing I'm intolerant about is intolerance. That's why it's difficult for me to tolerate the Republican Party!!

Earlier this week, I was reading my New York City brother's wonderful column in the on-line magazine Edge. David is the author of "Gay and Lesbian Weddings: Planning the Perfect Same-Sex Ceremony"-- and wrote the first article ever in Bride's magazine about same-sex weddings. Is that cool or what??

The book is so beautiful, the bouquets on the cover and all... but despite the joy the book brings, there is an undercurrent of great sadness inside of me because so many people are not allowed to enter into this sacred bond-- and this must change.

Without a doubt, marriage is a basic human right that should be available to all consenting adults, whether they're born straight or gay. Most opponents of same-sex marriage claim it's not natural for two people of the same-sex to marry. This position comes from a place of great fear, intolerance and ignorance. And it deeply hurts so many...

I at times attend the Neighborhood Church (Unitarian Universalist) in Pasadena-- and we used to have an extraordinary minister there. He was warm, articulate, empathic, progressive-thinking, blond and gay. Several years back, I attended his and his partners televised commitment ceremony in "protest" of California's Prop 22 initiative in 2000 (which shamefully passed securing only man/woman unions as legally recognized marriages.)

This couple had been together for two decades and had adopted four or five Afro-American drug-addicted babies at that point. Their big hearts and openness earned them the wrath of hate-mongers who threatened to kidnap their children and produced death threats. Such is the plight of all those who trailblaze tolerance.... My respect for this couple is boundless.

Not being allowed to marry is a deep, personal pain for me. I met my wonderful partner, John, in 1982 when we were 19. He proposed marriage a year later-- and I told him there was plenty of time down the road for that. One year later, I developed the chronic pain disease, RSD, which changed my life forever. John was the only person who stuck by me through it all-- my sole caregiver during all the bedridden years.

John asked me to marry him again in the late 80's... actually got down on his knees and cried. This guy I'm gonna keep ;) We planned our wedding, bedridden and all. Then everything came to a halt when we found out about Social Security's marriage penalty law. If I married John, our combined resources would prevent me from keeping my quality-of-life preserving health care. So we opted for a commitment ceremony, that is so common among gay couples.

Nearly 26 years into my relationship, folk forever tell me not to worry, "You and John are MORE married than any couple." Guess what? We're not... if John gets sick and hospitalized tomorrow, I would have no legal right to visit him--as I am not family. That's one of hundreds of rights that come with the contract of marriage. AND there's the everyday psychic pain of feeling less-than, "othered"-- journalists very often still refer to John as my "boyfriend"... and it hurts every time.

So due to John and my economic discrimination, I from the straight-side of things uniquely understand the heart-ache and repression of the same-sex marriage issue. Civil union is a step forward to help secure some of the rights for these couples-- but it's NOT marriage and stops at the California border.

Our country's Declaration of Independence proclaimed life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as inalienable rights. Marriage, by anyone's definition, is one of our core choices for happiness. To take that right away from ANYONE shames us and prevents us from becoming a truly great society. Tolerance, my friend, is what I'm crying out for-- with that, we'd all have a shot at catchin' the bouquet...